« For Paul Staines aka Guido Fawkes, a question | Main | Fasthosts still have customers? »
April 14, 2008
The Blogger's New Stats
A tale for you, that begins as all good tales do...
Once upon a time there lived a vain Blogger whose only worry in life was to be the biggest and best Political Blogger in the land.He changed traffic boosting schemes almost every hour and loved to show his blog off to his acolytes and sock puppets.
Word of the Blogger's refined habits spread over the blogosphere and beyond. Two scoundrels who had heard of the Blogger's vanity decided to take advantage of it. They introduced themselves at the gates of the palace with a scheme in mind.
"We are two very good web marketeers and after many years of research we have invented an extraordinary method to boost a blog's traffic, producing numbers so mighty and and powerful that they are unquestionable. As a matter of fact they are questionable only by anyone who is too stupid and incompetent to appreciate their quality."
The Chief of the Sock Puppets heard the scoundrel's strange story and sent for the Wannabe Blog hero. The Wannabe ran to the Blogger and disclosed the incredible news. The Blogger's curiosity got the better of him and he decided to see the two scoundrels.
"Besides being unquestionable, your Highness, these stats will be displayed in colors and patterns created especially for you." The emperor gave the two men a bag of gold coins in exchange for their promise to begin working on the stats immediately.
"Just tell us what you need to get started and we'll give it to you." The two scoundrels asked for a PC, the blog password, Google Analytics and Alexa, and then pretended to begin working. The Emperor thought he had spent his money quite well: in addition to getting a higher profile in the MSM, he would discover which of his commenters were ignorant and incompetent. A few days later, he called the Wannabe, who was considered by everyone as a man with common sense.
"Go and see how the work is proceeding," the Blogger told him, "and come back to let me know."
The Wannabe was welcomed by the two scoundrels.
"We're almost finished, but we need a lot more stats packages. Here, Excellency! Admire the colors, see the size of the numbers!" The old man bent over the PC and tried to see the genuine stats that were not there. He felt cold sweat on his forehead.
"I can't see anything," he thought. "If I see nothing, that means I'm stupid! Or, worse, incompetent!" If the Wannabe admitted that he didn't see anything, he would loose his credibility.
"What marvelous numbers" he said then. "I'll certainly tell the Blogger." The two scoundrels rubbed their hands gleefully. They had almost made it. More stats were requested to finish the work.
Finally, the Blogger received the announcement that the two marketeers had come to take all the measurements needed to publish the traffic figures.
"Come in," the Blogger ordered. Even as they bowed, the two scoundrels pretended to be holding a log file analysis.
"Here it is your Highness, the result of our labour," the scoundrels said. "We have worked night and day but, at last, the most beautiful webstats in the world are ready for you. Look at the colors and see how large the numbers are." Of course the Blogger was nervous about the figures and doubtful. He panicked and felt like fainting.
But luckily the office chair was right behind him and he sat down. But when he realized that no one could know that he did not believe the figures, he felt better. Nobody could find out he was stupid and incompetent. And the Blogger didn't know that everybody else around him thought and did the very same thing.
The farce continued as the two scoundrels had foreseen it. Once they had taken the measurements, the two began typing madly at keyboards, pretending to compile quality statporn.
"Your Highness, you'll have to publish these new stats." The two scoundrels drafted the post and then let the Blogger admire their post.
"Yes, this is beautiful statporn and it looks very good on me," the Blogger said trying to look comfortable. "You've done a fine job."
"Your Majesty," the Wannabe said, "we have a request for you. The people have heard how popular you Blog is, and they are anxious to see your new stats." The Blogger was doubtful showing his dodgy traffic figures to the public, but then he abandoned his fears. After all, no one would know about it except the ignorant and the incompetent.
"All right," he said. "I will grant the people this privilege." He logged on to Blogger and hit publish. In an instant his glorious new stats were sailing across the internet. On his site, everyone wanted to know how stupid or incompetent his or her neighbor was but, as the stats were read, comments were posted. And each comment said, "Look at the Blogger's new stats. They're awesome!"
A knowledgable sceptic however, who had no important job and could only see things as his eyes showed them to him, went up to the blog.
"The Stats are wrong!" he said.
"Fool!" the sockpuppets reprimanded, throwing smears after him. "Don't talk nonsense!" They tried to drown out his comments, but he posted the truth on his own site. And the message was repeated over and over again until everyone cried:
"He's right! The Stats are dodgy! It's true!"
The Blogger realized that the people were right but could not admit to that. He though it better to continue posting under the illusion that anyone who didn't trust his stats was either stupid or incompetent. And he posted abusively on comment threads on other
blogs, while behind him a sock puppet touted his imaginary stats.
The tragedy for Iain is that he is both the vain Emperor and the scoundrels combined. And his sock puppets and acolytes the fawning masses who cannot see him for what he is. Thus is Iain both architect and engineer of his own loss of credibility. Couldn't happen to sadder Tory really, not even worth of kissing Gyles Brandreth's shoes.
Posted by Clive on April 14, 2008 7:52 PM in the category The Internet
Comments
Very nicely done.
Posted by: Mark at April 15, 2008 11:11 AM
Aye thank you. Have finally got the blog juices flowing again, so aiming for a return to posting following a rather protracted hiatus.
Posted by: Clive at April 15, 2008 12:50 PM
Long overdue. Oh, and when you do get back, we'll be having words about the whole "no important job" thing...
Posted by: Tim Ireland at April 15, 2008 7:34 PM
Ah, sorry about the irony. Couldn't resist a subtle dig at Dizzy's famous loathing of marketing people. Though given his employer, he's no room to talk.
Posted by: Clive at April 15, 2008 9:19 PM
A likely story. You're just jealous is all.
;oP
Posted by: Tim Ireland at April 16, 2008 10:58 AM
Quick! Look! Over there! What's that?
Sorry, just channeling Iain Dale there. Don't worry, I'm feeling much better now
Posted by: Clive at April 16, 2008 1:44 PM